Thursday, April 19, 2007

Observations and missives from South Beach, Part 1


Every taxi has "This vehicle makes frequent stops" painted on the trunk.

Dude, this is Miami Beach. All vehicles make frequent stops. Like, every four or five feet.

To the four tourists on the beach, trying desperately to arrange things so one of you can take a picture of the other three with no other people in the background:

Dudes! Look around you! There are thousands of us here. The beach is so packed that there's only two or three feet between one party's towels and the next. Sometimes less. Do you really think anyone's going to believe that you came to South Beach during Spring Break and you were the only ones here?

To the homeless man sleeping at the top of the stairs leading to the entrance to the modelling agency next door to our hotel:

Dude, we feel bad that you're having to sleep there on concrete. We have both had occasion to sleep on concrete floors in our day, and we know it hurts. However, we're paying almost $300 per night for this room, and you sleeping there, only five feet away (the alley is very narrow), with your rag-tag belongings, was not exactly the view we were expecting. To make matters worse, if you were to wake up you could look directly into our room, and Judi is freaked out enough by this that we're keeping the curtain closed. Judi asked if we couldn't call the front desk and ask them to do something. I said sure, they'd do something: They'd call the police. Judi immediately said no, no, not that. It's bad enough that you have to sleep on the concrete. We don't want to subject you to the police. So we'll keep the curtain closed until you go on your way.


The guy is approaching one of the beverage kiosks on the beach. "Hey!" he yells loudly. "Do you sell beer?"

Dude, did you not notice that sign as you were coming down to the beach? The one that said, "No alcohol permitted"? The kiosks are not going to be selling beer.



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