underdogishere

Muchas gracias to Liz for posting a link to this most excellent children's book that explains, in German, where babies come from. I encourage you to see it for yourself -- even if you don't speak German, the illustrations are priceless. A word of warning, though: This isn't workplace-appropriate, so browse from home, or your laptop at Starbucks, or at least close your office door.

Okay, seen it for yourself? I (naturally) have a few comments. Let's peruse together:

First page:

Here we see the end result of this book's subject: A baby. Is it me, or does this baby look startled and surprised. Given the contents of the pages to follow, it's understandable.

Next page:

Here we see a man and a woman wearing clothes so shockingly tasteless that they cry out, Don't let these people reproduce! Alas, justice is not to be done. Also note her hair in pigtails.

Next page:

Now the people are naked, which is a huge improvement. But note that his... well, his willy isn't aroused. Isn't that strange? I don't know about you, but if I get naked with a woman, well... okay, I'll leave that for you to finish. Also note that the guy has not been circumcised (sorry if this freaks out anyone who's turned off by men's willies, but I'm just reporting). But the thing that bothers me is her hair is still in pigtails. Aren't women supposed to let their hair down to have fun? It makes her look like a teenager. Pedophilia, anyone?

Next page:

The man has finally managed to get it up. I don't know how. Viagra, maybe. I know it's tasteless and rude to call attention to this, but I can't help but comment that he's not very big. Give 'im more Viagra. Also, they appear to be kissing, but they are doing so with their mouths wide open. Not French kissing, but mouths wide open, as though they might be trying to take bites out of each other, like cannibals. Maybe they don't get enough to eat.

Next page:

Now they are having sex. I was disappointed that the book only showed them in the missionary position. Maybe the artist thought the Kama Sutra was a bit much for small children. I disagree. I say that if you're going to introduce impressionable young minds to sex, possibly affecting them for the rest of their lives, you should show them as much variety as possible.

This couple appear to have a platform bed. A platform bed with giant hearts painted on the side. This must be to tell us that they love each other very much. We also know they love each other because as they have sex they are still either kissing or trying to devour each other. And they have a pillow made out of the same material as the woman's dress. Either that, or they rolled up her dress to use as a pillow.

Next page:

In this cutaway view the man is ejecting a tiny, tiny amount of sperm into the woman. Apparently he not only has a small willy, but he has potency issues as well. The thing that really weirds me out about this picture is that it includes their two mats of pubic hair pressed together. Did we really need that detail?

Next page:

Nine months have passed since the previous page, and the people are still naked. Have they not worn clothes for that entire time? Given how ugly their clothes are, perhaps that was for the best. A cutaway shows us the baby fully grown inside the woman, but for some reason it was important to the artist to show the woman's pubic hair superimposed on the cutaway. Pubic hair fetish, anyone?

Next page:

Finally, after nine months, the people are now dressed. In the same shockingly tasteless clothes as before. Somehow, the woman has managed to acquire a maternity dress made from the same material as her pre-pregnancy clothes. Somewhere in Germany there's a bolt of purple-and-blue-striped cloth that needs to be burned on a bonfire.

Next page:

Time to go to the hospital. I assume "Klinik" is German for "hospital." If not, it's German for "place where babies are born." These people are obviously hippies, because they drive a car with big hearts painted on the side. The woman is so monstrously pregnant that she can't fit in the front seat. She has to ride in the back, like cargo.

Next page:

The woman is covered by a sheet, and the doctor looks like he hasn't graduated from high school yet.

Next page:

Something happened to the sheet. I don't know what. The doctor is holding a pick, perhaps as a threat to the woman as to what she can expect if she doesn't spit this baby out. The baby is emerging face first. Not head first, but face first, with eyes wide open and a smile that a politician would envy. But the things that weird me out, for some reason, are her pigtails, visible in the background on either side of her private parts.

Next page:

The baby's arms are out and he's waving, like maybe he's saying, Hey, baseball season is about to start! Go Cubbies! Don't get your hopes up, kiddo.

Next page:

The woman is holding the baby, not up against her, but at arm's length, like, Hey, what's this? You've been pregnant for nine months, lady. Don't act so surprised.

Next page:

The woman loves her shockingly tasteless dress so much that she's had it altered so she can breast feed while wearing it.

I tell you, some people should not be allowed to reproduce.