Friday, February 17, 2006

And just who did kill President Kennedy, anyway?

I hate jeans. The clothing, that is, not girls named Jean. Or even guys named Jean. No, I just hate the pants made out of tent canvas. I live in Florida. It gets hot here. And jeans are heavy, thick, and bulky. So not-Florida. I prefer shorts. Actually I prefer no clothes at all, but given that I live in a garmented society, I prefer shorts. If shorts are not appropriate then I like pants with pleats at the waist. Something loose and light.

That said, sometimes it does get cold here, and then there are those occasional social situations where jeans are the only acceptable attire. So... I have to own a pair. And they do get faded and raggedy over time. So... once every so-many years I have to shop for a new pair.

That time came around this past winter.

I hate shopping for jeans. Actually, I hate shopping for clothes of any kind. When I go clothes shopping I start out miserable, because I know how awful it's going to be, and then with each thing I try on that doesn't work out I get more frustrated and discouraged so that after a while -- like, two items -- I could just cry. Except, of course, Guys Don't Cry. We learn that in Guy School.

But as much as I hate shopping for clothes, I really hate shopping for jeans. Me, I like my jeans baggy. Not waistband-at-scrotum-level-baggy, but comfortable-baggy. But, you know what it is, is the main problem is that jeans aren't designed to be worn by human beings. They're designed to be worn by Space Aliens. Space Aliens who don't mind having a double-folded double-stitched seam of tent canvas stuffed up their butt cracks. That's the main problem.

So anyway I went on three shopping expeditions and tried on scores of pairs of jeans. I'm not exaggerating. And, finally, among all the scores, I found the only pair that were tolerable. Not exactly comfortable, but tolerable. But -- and get this -- they have buttons instead of a zipper for the fly.

A long time ago, all trousers had button flies. Then someone -- a Nobel Laureate, surely -- invented the zipper, and zippers quickly replaced buttons in trouser flies (except in the Navy -- what was up with that, anyway?). Note to Levi Straus (and Co.):

There was a reason for this.

I could probably write a thesis about why zippers replaced buttons in trouser flies. Maybe someday I will. In the meantime, I'll just treat you to the abstract:

Buttons suck. Zippers rule.

I would say I don't know why anyone would buy pants with a button fly, but I can't, because I did. So all I am entitled to do now is complain. The biggest problem is they take so darned long to unbutton. You'd better not have to "go" in a hurry. In fact, you practically have to make an appointment to do your business:

Me (on phone): "I'd like to use urinal three in the second floor men's room at ten tomorrow morning."

Receptionist: "Okay, I've got you down. Please arrive fifteen minutes to fill out paper.. er, unbutton your pants."

And you can pretty much forget about sex. The button fly is as good as a chastity belt. By the time you get your pants unbuttoned, your partner will have grown tired of waitinq, masturbated, and curled up and fallen asleep. In fact, I now suspect that button flies are part of a Conspiracy on the part of the Religious Right to Reduce Teenage Pregnancy.

And you know, it just might work....

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good lord, jeans trauma! did you try lucky brand jeans? they're spendier than most but they're darn comfy. levi's 550 are nicely baggy too, but not ridiculously baggy.

button flies are for those that don't wear any underwear.

i hope you rewarded yourself after such a traumatizing event.
I never heard of "lucky" brand. Where do you get them? Levi's 550 are baggy except the seam stills pulls up the butt crack -- maybe it's my particular waist size.

Are you serious about button flies and no underwear? Who would wear jeans without underwear? It would be one thing if the pants were silk or soft cotton, but who would want tent canvas rubbing up against their... er... sensitive parts.
nordstrom's carries lucky brand jeans, their stores are just showing up at outlet malls, sometimes you can find them at the skater type stores too, but i try not to go in there because i feel old. oh, i like my hilfiger's too.

do you have a low rise? short/tall inseam? hrm, i would find someone at nordstrom's to fit you into a decent pair of jeans. they have good salespeople.

no, not serious about the commando jean wearing, but i wouldn't be surprised if people do go without underwear under their jeans...

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